Look at this fucking fool. Image via Getty
Hello Your Eminences, Madam President, Mr. King, Mrs. Queen and everyone else put in charge of keeping their nation on the rails: Can we talk?
I’m asking for a moment of your time because last week I saw something that at this point really shouldn’t have, but truly did, shake me to my core:
As I read that I thought: THIS STUPID MOTHERFUCKER REALLY IS GOING TO GET US ALL KILLED OVER A GODDAMN TWEET.
For months many of us have “joked” about Donald Trump getting us involved in a war or some other dangerous, deadly situation because he popped off on Twitter, but this is the first time I’m hearing of a real foreign official seriously linking possible action to the tweets of our dumbass president. Like many of our nightmares about this administration, it has suddenly become very real.
So I need to ask a favor: You guys—the sane and mostly sane ones with power—you have got to ignore him. I’m serious. Please. For the love of everything halfway decent and remotely sane in this rapidly plummeting world.
I know it’s a lot to ask—I get it, I do. You have your own countries and citizens to protect. Plus, frankly, fuck our can’t-keep-anything-resembling-progress-moving-for-more-than-a-few-years-ass country for putting ourselves in this situation in the first place. We fucked up (well, not “we,” but white people) and as it turns out, we also have most of the bombs and planes and shit. Still, if you wouldn’t mind, just ignore the stupid goddamn tweets.
Can I tell you a story? When I was younger, I, like most older siblings, found my younger sister rather irritating. Because we lived together and shared DNA and shit, she knew just how to push my buttons and boy did she push them! It sucked, Mr. Supreme Leader. I hated it. And my parents would always tell me: Kara, you’re the oldest. You need to ignore her.
Now, that’s sort of bullshit and it certainly felt like it at the time because people should be responsible for their actions, even when, I thought, they’re annoying 9-year-olds. But look at it this way: You’re the oldest and Donald Trump is not only the youngest, he’s the petulant 5-year-old from your mom’s second marriage who’s mad he didn’t get the bigger room even though yours is only bigger by a couple feet.
He’s not normal. Look, this is not the way normal human beings with hands interact with other humans with hands!
I don’t doubt there are plenty of things we the public don’t know about—ignorant late-night phone calls, thickly-veiled threats and whatever the hell Nikki Hayley and Mike Pence are saying to you all. But if we’re just talking about the tweets, could ya look the other way? Mute him, perhaps and hit the block button if you’re feeling nasty.
Maybe Jack Dorsey will finally come to his fucking senses and realize he doesn’t want to see his name mentioned in the “World War III” section of history books and stop allowing a user who regularly breaks most of his company’s “Abusive Behavior” rules to continue operating an account. Until then, however, it’s up to you.
As impossible and obnoxiously millennial-esque as it sounds, I humbly ask you to chill. The man hasn’t even been in office for 100 days—he’s going to tweet a lot of stupid shit in the future because he’s a moron. You can’t let yourself get riled up every time. Besides, he doesn’t follow through on like 80 percent of what he says anyway.
He is a delusional man who achieved success only on the back of his father and through the swindling of those with fewer resources. He is a litigious coward who openly lusts after his daughter. He is a small, small person who will guide this country straight into chaos in order to satisfy his egomaniacal desires. Just remember, he is a lunatic who maybe can’t read and I’m sure you fancy yourself at least a little better than a lunatic who maybe can’t read.
I know it’s extremely frustrating and somewhat demeaning to be forced to handle a grown adult man with kids gloves, but just pretend you’re a woman on the Supreme Court, or a woman explaining how her body works, or just a woman.
Of course, if he actually goes ahead and does something he threatened in a tweet, I know you’ve got to respond. If that happens, all I ask is that you make sure to practice your aim beforehand because I’d like to go out in the initial blast and just be done with it.
Thanks for your time and seriously, ignore the tweets.